Jonathon Michael Crapper (aka MC Tasty) and Jefferson St. Jives (aka DJ Pooh) were the musicians behind the once-infamous pop group "Jesus Christ My Penis." While they failed to achieve musical success, they became notorious for being the most heavily trolled band on the internet. Their band name generated such outrage that, instead of fan mail, Jesus Christ My Penis was inundated with a torrent of online abuse. Threats and legal injunctions followed, making it clear the musicians had made a colossal error.
"We wanted a name that would make us stand out," St. Jives confessed during a rare interview with Rolling Stone magazine – and I mean truly rare. "Our music was so abysmal that we needed something to compensate. We were getting minimal radio play, but calling ourselves 'Bilge Water' did nothing to improve our fortunes. Since improving our music was clearly impossible, we had to change our name. One morning, Jonathon got his foreskin caught in his trouser zipper, and 'Jesus Christ My Penis' immediately sprang to mind. It seemed to work – unlike his zipper, or his foreskin, for that matter. We didn't intend to cause offense. We simply wanted to attract attention to our music without actually attracting attention to our music. It's akin to producing a spectacular bowel movement and resisting the urge to photograph and share it on social media."
Meanwhile, Thomas's Velvet Paw novels continued to receive scathing reviews. "The reviews would have been even worse," Thomas admitted, "had the reviewers not been so utterly appalled by my writing. I received numerous offensive emails from reviewers declaring they wouldn't sully the act of reviewing by critiquing my work, as it would discredit the very concept of reviewing. I was deeply hurt by some of the names they called me, many of which I'm convinced are misspelled. I often remind myself that no publicity is good publicity, even though the reviews I've received are truly dreadful."
Despite never having met, the three individuals crossed paths at a Wankers' Convention in Bentley, Chesterford, two years ago. Despite their respective setbacks, they felt compelled to continue their creative pursuits and decided to collaborate, hoping to make their past failures seem almost respectable.
Crappar and St. Jives rebranded themselves as "The Velvet Paws of Asquith" (plural) – a tribute to books even more atrocious than their own music. Thomas, meanwhile, sought alternative ways to complement his own brand of literary ineptitude.
"We felt sorry for him, obviously," St. Jives explained during the same interview. "Thomas is the kind of person you can't help but wonder about in every possible way. But since his writing is even more horrendous than our music, collaborating with him makes us seem more talented by comparison. And since nobody reads his books anyway, we're at no risk of further online abuse. Admittedly, nobody will listen to our music either, but given its abysmal quality, that's probably for the best. Now we can enjoy the benefits of a band name without fear of public outrage – unless someone actually reads Thomas's books. But having glanced through one of them, I remain convinced that won't be happening anytime soon. It's a win-win situation."
"I detest the concept of 'win-win,'" Thomas insists. "In fact, I abhor hyphens. They're akin to punctuation: obstructive and visually unappealing. All those dots and dashes – it's so last century."