In response to poor book sales—i.e., none—Thomas attended a conference on advertising and self-promotion to see if he could do something about it. There, it was argued that the single most effective marketing strategy for any author is to write a great book. Ninety percent of a book’s success, they claimed, depends on its ability to be emotionally immersive for readers.
As a result, Thomas realized he had no hope of success.
“If writing a good book is the key to success, then I’m not just lagging behind—I’m lost, I’ve dropped my compass, and I’ve trodden in something wet and nasty.”
Thomas’ contribution to the conference was… vigorous. He spent nearly four hours passionately debating why they might be wrong—much to the despair of roughly five hundred other attendees, who had each paid nearly a thousand dollars not to hear him do so.
“I just wanted to make sure they’d considered all angles,” Thomas explained. “It’s pretty devastating to be told that after writing a series of appalling books, there’s nothing that can be done to make anyone read them. I even read out several chapters, but toward the end, I had to shout over the sound of the audience sobbing.”
Sadly, it appears that if Thomas wants anything resembling success, he will need to die and reincarnate—preferably with a new personality.
We asked one of the presenters, Gary Thurstingh of Promote or Demote, for his opinion on Thomas’ work.
“I’ve never come across anyone who believes in himself as much as Thomas,” he admitted. “It’s not arrogance—more of a tragic, complicated denial of reality. I felt quite sorry for the guy. There he was, standing among all these intelligent, motivated people who were yelling at him to shut up, while he pleaded with me to check my figures. I explained that it didn’t really come down to figures, and Thomas argued that was all the more reason to check them.
"Interestingly, that night my colleagues and I did check the figures. And we found that, to a degree, he was quite right. It’s not 90 percent—it’s pretty much 100 percent. Which is really annoying because now we have to redo all our PowerPoints before next Thursday.”
Thomas, however, remains skeptical.
“I only refuse to believe successful fiction is great fiction because I’m shit at it,” he admitted. “I’ve spent most of my writing career ignoring everything about improving in order to preserve my originality. But apparently, I have none. Still, isn’t the absence of originality, in a sense, a kind of originality?”
Determined to redefine marketing itself, Thomas set out to rethink the values and principles of everything consumer capitalism had produced over the past 50 years.
If he couldn’t fit into their schematics, then he’d rewrite them.
And rewrite them, he did.
Self-Derogatory Advertising (SDA) was born.
But it was an idea that should never have been. Or, at the very least, should have been euthanized.
At least, that’s what marketing experts have been saying.
“You can’t promote a product by telling people how shit it is,” warned Harold P. Smitherington, a marketing expert. “Advertising is about encouraging consumers to see a truth and then act on it with their wallets. And the only wallet-related action Thomas’ strategy will inspire is consumers bludgeoning him with them.”
But Thomas disagrees.
“SDA’s message—that my books are shit—is a truth,” he insisted. “If I were to say they’re great, that would be a downright lie because they’re so shit. Honestly, I think Harold has even less of an idea than I do. I respect his opinion, but I hate the stupid guy. He’s a stupid, ugly pillock.”
This was countered by Harold, who calmly pointed out that his company promotes some of the world’s biggest brands, that he personally makes over a million dollars a year, and that, as a consequence, Thomas should keep his ignorant mouth shut—along with his nose, and indeed anything that provides him with air.
To his credit, Thomas didn’t respond. He just blinked furiously.
However, the next day, he faxed us a list of retorts he had apparently been on the verge of saying but refrained from—for fear of making Harold seem small and effeminate.
We find that unlikely.
Also, none of them were spelled correctly.